How to Survive Startup Life as a Married Old Dude with 4 Children and a Dog
This post started off as a slightly tongue-in-cheek Tweet that I tweeted, hoping to get a few laughs. But I quickly realized that the topic resonated with a lot of you out there and not because it’s funny. The reality is that many of you, like me, are trying to survive startup life while also balancing (and having) a non-work life. On the flip side, our significant others and family members are also trying to figure out how to live their lives within our ridiculous startup lifestyle.
What I have realized is that there are only so many things that you can give meaningful attention to. Survival depends on you chosing the correct things that bring emotional health and life. Otherwise, everything will fall apart. If you are feeling like everything is falling apart, then you should consider taking drastic action.
What I have realized is that there are only so many things that you can give meaningful attention to. Survival depends on you choosing the correct things.
I’ve sought to outline a few areas that to me are non-negotiables in my life. I think it’s safe to say that they can apply to most people in varying degrees depending on your current life-stage.
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My Wife
Having Julie on board is the linchpin to making everything work. Without her support and understanding I’d be a miserable wreck. There’s really nothing worse that I can think of than not being on the same page in a marriage. I’ve seen plenty of competent, talented individuals reduced to a useless mess because of family/relational issues.
I’ve seen plenty of competent, talented individuals reduced to a useless mess because of family/relational issues.
Before I even set out on the startup journey I talked things through with Julie and made sure she was aware of what we were getting ourselves into. She was 100% behind the idea, even though that meant cutting back as much as we could financially and bearing extra burdens around the house.
My Children
Spending proper time with my 4 children was a non-negotiable for me. While my wife can understand all the reasons of working so much, it’s much more difficult for children to understand. In fact, children could care less if I’m doing a job that I love, or if we have money to do “nice” things. At the end of the day, they need me to be present in their lives and that’s all they will remember after they are out of the house.
I make it a point to stop work around 5:30pm every day and engage with them as best as I can until they go to bed around 8:30pm. This means that I’m eating dinner with them, taking them to their different activities and putting them to bed at night.
My Sanity
I sometimes joke that I’m crazy, but it’s not really a joke and still gives me a run for my money. Up until the past few years I struggled with serious depression, but never realized it. Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts, other times, self-loathing, anger and addiction. The crazy thing is that I never connected the two together. Unfortunately, many times people who are depressed just don’t realize it. Like me, they needed someone to notice and tell them.
Thankfully, someone did tell me and I had enough presence of mind to do something about it. To become and continue to stay sane, I have three areas that I focus on:
Physical
Drugs are a wonderful thing, at least the anti-depressant kind. I’ve been on meds for a while and it has helped smooth the drastic ups and downs I used to have, while enabling me to deal with the deeper mental problems that I have.
In addition to meds, I try to exercise at least 3 times a week, sometimes more if I’m feeling awesome. There are many reasons why exercise is helpful, but I find it gives me more energy, helps me feel like I’ve accomplished something and makes me feel more confident about my body/self-image.
Mental
While the meds worked well, I have (for a season) seen a psychologist who has helped me get to the core of my depression and heal from it. Generally speaking, depression is a symptom of a deeper problem. I like to use weeds as a metaphor for this.
I have a slate patio where I’ve planted thyme and moss between each tile. Every year weeds try to grow and I have to pull them up. If I only rip the top off, the weed will keep coming back every year with a stronger root. It’s only after I pull the weed out, roots and all, will the weed stop coming back over and over again.
My depression was caused by many weeds that I would just keep ripping the tops off, my psychologist helped me dig out the whole weed, root and all. I also have to continue (sometimes on a daily basis) to pull up all the mental weeds that try to grow back.
Spiritual
I’m a passionate follower of Jesus, the Jesus in the Bible, not the “American Jesus.” This shapes and informs every part of my life and brings meaning and purpose to my life. My actions, how I treat others, how I spend my time, how I give, what I’m passionate about, all stem from this part of my life. It ultimately keeps me grounded mentally in what matters most in life. The spiritual helps me take the holes and gaps created from pulling weeds by filling them with plants that are beautiful and purposeful.
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That’s It
You might say “but what about…?!” You’re right, there are plenty of other areas that are not in this list. Those areas, while important, are areas that I can only give focus to if and when I have the extra time. For me these areas are extended family, friends, housework, ministry, side-projects, hobbies, etc. I want to give these things all my focus, but if I did, the most important things would not get the attention they need.